This is a statement on why I haven’t been updating any of my blogs or have started on any of my projects. It comes to the point that I am scared of two things, I am going to fail at everything I create and or I will get in the rut of just working and sleeping, therefore not have the time to create. The fear of getting in a “rut” comes from the point that every time that I would ask my father, what was he up to? I would get the generic answer of “work!” Hoping for a different answer, I still to this day ask, what he has been up to and either it is the typical answer or the statement that nothing was new. My father is a very passionate man, but I felt that he was supposed to be born in a different time and would prefer something like the Old West. I know that it is stupid to think that I am going to fail, with not really giving it my all. I wanted to reevaluate why I want to create anything after I started having this feeling. It comes to the point that I love the outcome of being expressive and I wanted to find that passion again.
I never thought that fear would demean my natural state of wanting to create. My stepmother had always said that I was a worrywart and she was right. See if you would talk to my grandmother or really any other person within my family, they would agree that I love to express myself (more than you know). From a young age, I would put on shows for family and friends. In high school, I was in Theater, Stagecraft, Choir, and did Art for a bit as well. After high school, I lost my passion “fearing” that I would not get anywhere with it. I started working and therefore I silently smothered that little feeling to create. Years pasted and I got married. It was Amanda that relit that spark and I soon started again to create. Again more years pasted and it seem with a mixture of laziness and fear, I never really created anything. It was when Georgia was born that I really wanted to start doing stuff to show her that creating something out of nothing was one good trait to have in this world.
I started to produce ideas for comics and wanted to start working on my art. One time I had thought of writing a children’s book and then a book of my own. I had all of these things rushing around in my head and when we decide that it would be that best at the time to move NC, I felt that I had to tuck away that passion again. It was hard to process that I would make such a big change and take a chance on a promise that was given to me. To the people who know how that all ended, it sadden me that I did get the shaft. That I smothered this powerful force that I wanted to set free, for just an opportunity to advance within my career. Some have asked why I felt that I had to stop creating and focus on my career. I don’t know to be honest, it felt that I was forcing myself to come to the terms that I was supposed to be an adult now and stop doodling. Therefore, I became depress and very negative.
That is when I remember that I had blogged before and felt good on what I have created. I first started with one and then created a second one. The other blogs were created to not have everything on just one or two blogs and to have multiple different ones to filter the random incoherent thoughts of my mind. First I stated just to write and therefore didn’t worry about how it looked, but reading books on managing blogs/websites, I figure I start making it look like I know that I am doing (I didn’t know anything). The project to redesign the blogs stopped the writing process and therefore I started to miss my own deadlines that I had planned. Content has never been the issue, it was the editing and making it sound and look good. The last post that I did was on the Moose Tracks blog and that was April 30th and I haven’t written anything since.
To refuel my passion, I had decided that I was going to find anything to pump the creative juices and be more positive with my situation. Therefore on my search I came across of this…..
Being a Doctor Who fan I was very happy to see this, but the message was really strong. To be “The Optimist”, is to be someone who expects a favorable outcome. Therefore I would like to see what I created, benefit someone somewhere. To be the “Hoper of Far-Flung Hopes” is to be someone that no matter what, believes in the impossible. The last part, to be the “Dreamer of Improbable Dreams”, means that from now on I will not let anything stop me from creating those dreams. With this message and with a heavy dose of web comics, with Zen pencils, http://zenpencils.com/, I have come out alive.
I turned 30 last week; I only have a small amount of things that I am truly proud of in my life. For the last 3,040 days, I have been married to the most amazingly beautiful, but perfectly complicated woman. Without Mandy and her poetically cuteness, I wouldn’t have anything or gotten this far. She gave me my next reason to be proud, Georgia. Georgie, reminds me to be more playful and to see the world as how it can be magical. I want to show Georgia that in the next 30 years of my life, that I tried and maybe I failed, but I tried. Being a parent is one of the hardest things that I had to experience and I wouldn’t give it up for anything. Know this pumpkin eater; don’t wait to be saved by that hero. The greatest hero in this story is you and if you show the world how, you can save them all.
Where do I go for now? I will start posting in a month, with taking that time to organize and write. I want to try to see my goals accomplished and if I fail, no matter I will be able to say that I stepped up and did it. Thank you for those who visit my blogs, your support is more than appreciated than you know!